Practicing self-care and compassion is an important part of well-being. One barrier to self-compassion is the pursuit of perfectionism. Logically, perfectionism is unreachable; however, research shows that many people base their self-esteem on achieving perfectionism and being flawless.
What Research Tells Us
Table 1. Components of Self-Compassion
| Component | Reflective Questioning |
| Self-kindness versus self-judgment | Am I kinder to others than I am to myself? |
| Common humanity versus isolation | Do I think I am the only one who is vulnerable? |
| Mindfulness versus overidentification | Am I aware of when I am caught up in negative self-talk? |
Some researchers categorize perfectionism as either adaptive or maladaptive, yet others insist that all perfectionist behavior comes at a cost.
Kristin Neff, PhD, associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas Austin, contrasted self-esteem with self-compassion. She posited that self-esteem involves some degree of self-judgment whereas self-compassion releases judgment and centers on the three components of compassion. (See Table 1.)
Brené Brown, PhD, a leading researcher on the subject of shame and vulnerability—sharp contrasts to perfectionism—encourages practicing self-compassion by letting go of what we think we should be and embracing who we truly are.
Similar to the two researchers, Pema Chödrön, author of multiple books on compassion and self-love, recommends befriending ourselves and accepting our completeness as a moment to moment experience. Contemplation and meditation are methods used to generate self-compassion. Like any new endeavor, practice develops skill.
How to Practice Self-Compassion
The following meditation exercise uses mantras (a statement to yourself expressed quietly in the mind) and deep breathing to develop and renew self-compassion.
Close your eyes and take three deep breaths. With each breath, acknowledge your shared humanity by repeating the mantra: I am not alone.
Allow your breathing to resume its natural depth and rhythm as you imagine yourself talking to to a good friend, someone you know as well as yourself. Reach over and take your friend (yourself) by the hand (if you wish, place your right hand over your left).
For the next minute or more, offer your friend compassion with the following mantra.
You are not alone.
You are enough.
I am here for you.
When you feel ready, change the mantra to
I am not alone.
I am enough.
I accept the gift of self-compassion and love.
When you are ready, conclude the meditation with three deep breaths and open your eyes.